tabbiewolf: (tabbie - elwood)
More specifically, my own experiences with open relationships and why it fucked me up.

I've been having a lot of fun drawing threesomes lately, and I admit I'm extremely curious about actually being in one -- but I also will fully admit I'm not sure I'm emotionally prepared. Actually, "not sure" is inaccurate: I know I'm not. And I'm gonna expand on why, because I think talking about it will help me...not necessarily get over it, but perhaps get my feelings more in line to a place where I can be physically comfortable with them and my desire to be more intimate with close friends.

Oh, also, going to note: my husband knows this already -- maybe not every single tiny detail which I'm going to go into here, but my curiosity and reasons I'm hesitant. This isn't some weird thing I've been keeping private from him.

So, as the title states, let's talk about sex.

My ex-boyfriend, who for the sake of this post I'm just going to refer to as X, and I were together for 7 years, and lived together for half of that (varying "in town but dating" and "long distance relationship" happened before moving in together). 7 years is a long time - we weren't ever married or even engaged, but I think that's about as close as you can get to that.

He didn't want to get married, which is one of the many reasons I eventually left, but that's not the point I'm trying to make here. But relatedly: priorities change and if you can't grow with your partner you stagnate, and one or both of you ends up unhappy.

To be honest, I am fully aware we should have ended the relationship well before it did end. I was getting bored and frustrated, and losing my full-time job just added to that frustration. But X needed me as support, as a life raft -- not just economically (living where we lived was definitely a "roommate needed" situation), but emotionally too. I didn't realize what a drain this was on me until after everything ended, but again, not what this post is about.

So one of us suggested a more open relationship. I honestly don't remember who, and I can't exactly blame either of us - we were young and curious and bored, and I had a number of men who openly expressed attraction to me.

And, being young and curious and bored, I gave it a shot. X fully admitted he wasn't going to fool around - his self-esteem level was rock bottom and I'm pretty sure he didn't want to put any effort into being socially active/available (again, another one of those "eventually broke us up" things) - which was probably a "it's over, isn't it" sign I should have taken sooner.

Side note: open relationships are NOT always a sign of a relationship that should be ending, but it totally was in my case.

So, I met up with a guy at a convention, we fooled around...but we didn't go all the way because I felt super weird about it. And I truly do feel bad for the guy -- he was a sweetheart, and I think he was hoping he'd get more physically out of the night than just a girl who let him jerk off onto her -- but there was an element of guilt that I couldn't let go. It was entirely on me, and probably years of societal conditioning that Monogamy Is The Way. It left me feeling weird and guilty for two reasons (stepping out on X and disappointing the poor man who wanted to bone me), but I figured it was all me, and maybe I'd try again and try to get over myself.

Enter the D.

(See what I did there.)

D was a person I'd been friends with for a bit. As with all my friends, I was extremely open and not necessarily flirty -- but also not censoring myself, which often gets confused for flirting.

Me and X we're still living together, still dating, but more or less roommates with benefits. Emotional life raft, etc etc. So I bring up D, and his interest in me, and maybe I can spend a weekend in the city with him and see where it goes? X is happy I'm happy, and enthused by my chance to get laid.

X might've had a bit of a cuckolding thing, if the enthusiastic sex we had after I got back from being with other men was any indication. I didn't realize this at the time though.

So I go to the city (New York, if you're curious), and D and I have a date weekend. See a show, grab lunch, I show him a few places I know. We split a bottle of wine, Netflix and chill is happening, and...once again, I get nervous and guilty. He also couldn't keep it up in a condom, which definitely contributed to awkwardness. It wasn't not fun, it was just kinda odd.

D was also much more publicly affectionate than X was, which, after 6 or so years of being with X, was totally alien to me. There was a lot going on and my poor mid-20s emotional wreck of a brain.

ANYWAY.

D fell in love with me, I was still with X, and no one needs to be in that situation ever.

(There's a fair bit more that happened between me and those two after X and I broke up, because I was young and dumb, but you can get me drunk and ask me about it sometime. It's not what this post is about.)

So: my relationship with X was on tenuous ground for a variety of reasons, and I was trying to build other relationships -- and yes, friends-with-benefits IS a relationship, don't let anyone tell you otherwise -- on a shaky foundation.

Congratulations, self, this post has probably figured out why you're so stressed out about the idea of being physically intimate with people outside your immediate partner.

So: I'm still iffy about that. I'm open about myself in art, and extremely open verbally (and in text online), but I haven't been able to get past my shaky starting experiences on a physically intimate level.

But Spot and I have an extremely strong foundation, completely unlike me and X. I'm still terrified that I'll hurt his feelings and he won't tell me (again, probably something I picked up in my last relationship), but...well, we tell each other everything, so I don't see why he wouldn't.

Maybe one day we'll have friends over and Netflix & Chill will happen. Who knows! But for now: that's why I'm kinda hesitant about being physically intimate with folks other than my partner. Self-conscious emotional guilt and past experiences have caused a bit of a PTSD-like reaction. I'm working it through art and stories and posts like this, though :)

I still have crushes on a number of my friends, though. I can be emotionally & physically attracted and also totally self-cockblocked, apparently =p I'm weird.

But we knew that.
tabbiewolf: (tabbie - only in Kenya)
Hi, LJ. Long time no post. Though I do read my friends' entries every morning.

Anyway I got a thing going:
tabbiewolf: (tabbie - elwood)
Missed my monthly update for September. Whoops.

Life isn't boring but it's not overly exciting which isn't a bad thing.

We leave for Florida on Thursday: a week of tiki -- hitting Fort Lauderdale for the best tiki bar in America, the Mai-Kai, this weekend -- and Disney (because of course we're going to Disney again). We're staying at the Animal Kingdom Lodge and I'm currently annoyed because I have to get through 3 workdays and a pre-dawn wakeup to actually get there, but I know I'm gonna be happy when we're there. Food & Wine Festival, which we haven't done since our honeymoon, and all the other awesome stuff in the World. We're annual passholders for a reason.

I'm definitely in need of a vacation :) So is Spot. And Disney is basically a home-away-from-home, so it's great to be going back for a week of adventurous relaxation.
tabbiewolf: (dante)
Friday night was spent in the hospital. Everything is fine, now, but my blood sugar was 19, so that meant medical intervention was needed. I was conscious the entire time, if not exactly coherent, so I guess that's good?

Saturday had some severe emotional exhaustion in the evening. Please do not ask, I do not want to get into it, let's just say that someone I thought I knew became a selfish asshole sometime in the past couple years and I got the brunt of it. Nothing like being guilted for being sick to make you feel like shit.

And Sunday, cramps. Because my body is just bullshit. I also had to put off freelance work from Friday night until tonight and I need to stop taking things at the last minute because they are really, really stressful and I kind of hate giving up my weekend.

Nothing like a weekend of stressful emotionally (and physically, and not in a good way) wearing bullshit to start your week.
tabbiewolf: (tabbie - spot snug)
ConnectiCon was fantastic, as always. Ginormous thanks to Mat and the rest of the staff & volunteers at the con for making it amazing (let's get a food truck festival again next year, that was awesome). Also huge thanks to everyone who stopped by my booth, grabbed a business card, got some buttons, bought my book or commissioned me, just chatted about fandoms and general awesomeness, and all that fun stuff :)

And of course huge thanks to [livejournal.com profile] spotweld for being my booth-mate and button maker the whole weekend, and to Phil & Grimm for helping out as well! We couldn't have pulled off the awesomeness without you guys, especially my husband, who I'm pretty sure realized what he was getting in to when he married me but I can never be sure (he knows now, though).

I took Monday off to veg and reset, though I was less worn out than I usually am. I'm reanalyzing how I set up my booth and advertise my art (I didn't at all this weekend, outside of my banner, and STILL got commissions, and I got to draw some fan art for cosplayers as well), but I *am* saddened by the number of folks who obviously felt the prices I quoted them were too expensive. Not because I think I overprice myself -- I have 20-some years of professional illustration experience, folks, and I know the time & work involved; I'm gonna charge you for it -- but because people are so unwilling to invest in art. I can't complain, it was still a great weekend (and maybe the lack of commissions is why I'm didn't feel so overstressed and exhausted Monday), but it's a thought to toss around and ponder.

In the meanwhile, Disney announced all the Food & Wine festival details, so it's time to start planning that :)

It's nice to have only one con (that I'm working) this year. A lot less stressful.
tabbiewolf: (Nothing)
So every anniversary since Spot & I have been married we've spent with friends or family (mostly family). This is fine — it's great, our friends & family are amazing — but it's an anniversary, you know? I wanted to do something on our own.

So in TWO DAYS we'll be headed to San Diego. Because I got the wild idea that going to California for our anniversary would be awesome and the means to get there existed readily thanks to excessive airline miles.

Current plans include at least one tiki bar (the Bali Hai), the Zoo & Safari Parks, seeing a live taping of @midnight (already got tickets), and possibly Disneyland. Very possibly Disneyland. Disneyland is more or less a definite but I keep saying "if" because we're trying to do this trip on the fly outside of the Zoo, and I'm failing spectacularly at not planning. But I enjoy the hell out of planning so I can't complain TOO much.

We may hit other tiki bars — Tonga Hut in Hollywood and Trader Sam's in Disneyland — and possibly Oceanic Arts and/or the Tiki Farm home base, if they're open. I'm trying to decide if hitting 3 tiki bars in one month will contribute more than one to my "once a month" count (can I skip June & July so we don't have to go to Cape Cod or Long Island during actual summer? I haven't decided yet).

And yes: we know that Los Angeles/Anaheim/San Diego are a fair distance from one another. Our rental car ranked over our hotel room when it came to luxuries, simply because we knew we'd be driving a lot.

We still need to pack, though =p
tabbiewolf: (dragon - happy)
Remember in my last post how I said we might be going to Disney again in March? We're totally going to Disney again in March. Less than two weeks from now. Eeeeeeeeeeee!

Yesterday we went down to New York City to stretch our legs and continue my goal of visiting a different tiki bar every month of this year. This goal would be admittedly way less challenging if we lived in California or Florida, but I'm not letting that stop me. In January we went to Hu Ke Lau in Massachusetts, this month we hit Otto's Shrunken Head, and next month we will be hitting Trader Sam's Grog Grotto in Disney. After that, I'm hoping to go to the new tiki bar that opened in Portland, Maine, this year. After that? Who knows. Summer opens up a lot of possibilities, since up here there are a lot of seasonal places that do outdoor tiki-style stuff as soon as Memorial Day rolls around. It may involve going up to Cape Cod during the busy summer months, but it'll be worth it. Maybe.

October, though? We'll be hitting Disney again, with hopefully a day trip to what is ranked the best tiki bar in the nation: The Mai Kai.

In the mean time I will be Kermit-flailing about the fact that we're going back to Disney in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS and reorganizing our very extensive tiki mug collection.

Oh, yeah, and work. And cookies. And sketches. And all the various other boring life stuff :)
tabbiewolf: (tabbie - spot bed)
God, I haven't updated this thing since October. I remember when I used to update it two or three times A DAY. Being an adult: losing things to LiveJournal about?

Anyway. What's been going on.

• I am now a cyborg! I got an insulin pump last month, meaning that instead of doing shots 5 times a day I am programming a little device to put insulin inside me. I have to change the entry site every 3 days, and loading it's a bit of a hassle (it's a Tandem G4, or whatever the one with the Dexcom in it is), but I've gotten better at that process at least (after fucking up and wasting insulin a fair few times).

• Had Thanksgiving down with family in Maryland and it was good. Not much else to say there really. I have a new nephew. Babies are…small sort of humans. I still have no desire to have one of my own.

(If you want or have kids I have absolutely nothing against that! Have fun! It's just not for me.)

• The first weekend of December, [livejournal.com profile] spotweld and I went down to Disney World to see the Christmas celebrations. It was a lot of fun, though the Halloween party ranks above the Christmas party in our personal opinion. Also, if you ever get offered a Wyndham time share deal? I would recommend against it. We knew it'd be a hard sale going in, but having a salesperson literally call you stupid, a waste of his time, and say that your financial methods were ridiculous was beyond the pale. Even if we were interested — and the resort was nice! We could have been! — the final sales presentation was enough to turn our stomachs.

But Disney was fun! We're annual passholders now so we might be going back in March.

And speaking of Disney…

• We're still planning a trip for October. I need to get my act together on updating the forums, but feel free to check them out: http://notacon.freeforums.net

I've unfortunately been unable to make reservations for us because I just spent a ridiculous amount of money on an insulin pump, but I'm hoping to get that done before the end of January. Dual income no kids IS extremely beneficial to the bank account, fortunately for us.

• I still like my job. After having so many shitty jobs and terrible bosses, you have no idea how glad I am to be able to say that.

• Christmas was quiet. The day after, we toured the three local distilleries (all within less than forty minutes of our house), and we've spent the week just chilling. Spot's got the week off to catch up on bills and various chores and errands that haven't been done, and I'm working, so my days are spent babysitting printers, but that's okay.

Here's to an interesting new year, hopefully with me having the time, energy, and motivation for more creative pursuits. We shall see.
tabbiewolf: (dragon - happy)
IT'S NOT CANCER

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
tabbiewolf: (dragony)
Went to the hospital yesterday for testing. Took the whole day off from work because figured I'd be a wreck about it, and I was; I spent the majority of the day curled up in bed trying to sleep or read my troubles away.

Spent something like 2-and-a-half hours in the hospital, walking back and forth between the mammogram machine and the room with the ultrasound. They tested me on both machines something like 3 times each.

Can you guess what they found?

Well, I can't, because nobody told me. It's actually possible that no one knows. There's definitely something there -- I saw the scan of the tiny tiny (supposedly smaller than the side of a dime) thing, but...they don't know what it is. I'm guessing it's probably not a cyst, because I'm pretty sure that would have been obvious on the ultrasound.

I have to go back in for a biopsy, which was not the news I wanted yesterday, and I broke down pretty hard after the tests yesterday.

Am I better now? I don't know. I'm going back into work, because I like my workplace (and my paycheck), but really I could take the rest of the week off and just chill and also be fine with it. Mental health week. But I know I'm going to have to take another day off for the biopsy (which is supposedly an outpatient procedure that will be pretty easy, outside of the whole "you might have cancer" part), so it's back to the grindstone.

I really wish I'd gotten a definite answer yesterday. The waiting to find out what it is is stressing me beyond anything healthy :(

Update

Sep. 21st, 2015 10:25 am
tabbiewolf: (Default)
Updating from work because this is ridiculous and I need to rant somewhere.

So I got a call to schedule my ultrasound & mammogram on Friday. All well and good, scheduled it for Monday. Great, I only have to wait a weekend, I won't kill myself with stress.

Then they call back in 20 minutes and had to reschedule it to Wednesday afternoon. Okay, well...2 more days of worrying I have cancer. It's only 2 days. That'll be fine. Right?

So I get the automated reminder call this morning. "Your appointment at [hospital] radiology is scheduled for 2:30 in the morning. Please have--" This obviously can't be right, so I call them back. Surely the automated reminder is wrong, right?

...someone scheduled my appointment for 2:30am. Which is not a time they take appointments.

I'm now waiting to see if they can squish me in to when my original appointment was supposed to be, or possibly sooner. But oh my god, it's not enough that I might have cancer (yes, I know the odds are EXTREMELY low, that does not change the looming hugeness of my anxiety about it), but I've had to deal with this.

Spec-fucking-tacular.

I hope they call soon. If they don't by lunch I'll be calling them back because this is kind of a big fucking deal.
tabbiewolf: (tabbie - spot bed)
Hey, couple folks who still check LJ! Been awhile, hasn't it. What have I been up to?

1) My mom and stepdad visited July 4th weekend and we all had a good time. We took the Essex Steam Train dinner ride, which was very nice (though kinda pricey; $80/per person, cocktails/wine not included!)…did some generally poking around in the Hudson Valley, including a visit to The Gilded Otter (a very tasty brewpub that my mom and stepdad have been going to for awhile, so she was uberpleased to share it with us [though we'd been before, on her recommendation]) and the Tuthilltown Distillery (makers of vodka, whiskey, and now Triple Sec and Cacao Liqueur, both of which I now own)…then closed out the trip with a visit to the casinos. Always good seeing my mom, and I can say that without any degree of sarcasm.

2) Last weekend was ConnectiCon, which was a blast as always. It's my third convention of the year and probably my last, since I didn't get a table at Furpocalypse. I've also been rethinking my regular attendance of furry cons, but I'll save that line of thought for a future post.

I DID learn that having a full-time job AND working a convention table is REALLY DIFFICULT and next year I am taking the Monday after off to rest, if I get a table again. 12 days in a row of solid 8-hour days (well, with one 6-hour day in the middle) wears you the hell out.

3) The job is still going well! It's been something like 100 days since I've been employed and I'm still learning — you're always still learning — but I hope they continue to keep me on because I'm pretty happy there. I have noticed I lose my spoons a bit quicker than I used to when I wasn't working, but considering my social anxiety and introversion has gotten a lot worse than the last time I worked full-time (because of things like the Job/Boss From Hell), this should be a surprise to no one.

4) Spot and I are planning our next Disney trip. Not the group trip I've mentioned (which can still be read about here: http://notacon.freeforums.net — please come over and say hi if you are interested), which will be October of 2016, but I was calling to make reservations for a different trip next year and the hotel chain offered a "Sit through our timeshare deal and stay at the hotel for like next to nothing" thing, so I was like what the hell.

And yes, we've been warned they are scams, and yes, we already know. We're not dumb with money, guys, despite how many conventions we've been to =p Thanks for your concern though!

ANYWAY! Our quick Disney trip is planned for the first weekend in December, because I have never seen Disney World at Christmas time and I totally want to. Hotel room already reserved (non-Disney hotel, but it's in Downtown Disney, so we'll deal), plane tickets already bought, and I'm currently fidgeting over how soon to buy tickets to the Christmas party.

I like having trips to look forward to :)

5) I'm trying to get back into the swing of arting, which has been on the back burner as I've been adjusting to the new job and dealing with family and friends and conventions. Finally got some work done on something for a friend this weekend, and hoping to kick up to working on a comic that was commissioned earlier this year. I don't want to push myself too much, though, because I know I'll crash…and I also know I'm going through a bit of a manic phase right now, which puts me much closer to that edge I'll fall off of.

So, not a HUGE amount going on, but enough to keep us busy. I think ConnectiCon filled all my social desires for awhile, and I'm currently having fun planning our trips and trying to nudge myself into drawing more. Meanwhile, Spot and I are cooking and cleaning and snuggling and enjoying life and being domestic…huzzah!

#LoveWins

Jun. 26th, 2015 06:20 pm
tabbiewolf: (tabbie - elwood)
I have a long rant about stuff (not work! Work is still good!) but you know what?

Today is kind of awesome, and I'm not gonna rant about boring crap and ruin the awesome. Cheers to the Supreme Court, and cheers to all my LGBT friends who get to join us happy married folk :)

Love
won.
tabbiewolf: (tabbie - elwood)
Still like it. Quite a lot, actually. And this past week was my first time doing the non-graphic design stuff, which was challenging but I'm learning it! This is the first job I've had since the newspaper that reminds me very significantly of the newspaper job...which is beyond great. That's the job I wanted to spend the rest of my life at. It's kind of awesome I've got another job like that.

I like that I can leave the job at work, too: after I put my 8 hours in, I clock out and that's it. I don't have to worry about it. I can come home and relax. That is beyond amazing to me.

I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, though. Shows what having a bunch of shitty, abusive jobs will do to you. Job PTSD, I guess.

Still. Hoping for the best :)
tabbiewolf: (I think I've grown)
So Furpocalypse's dealer registration has come and gone, and I am on the wait list.

As are the majority of local friends I know who applied. Though 4 friends who aren't local got tables? And one local friend? So that's a thing? A Connecticut con with no Connecticut-based artists seems weird to me *shrug* But last year they didn't even publish the dealers list until like, October, so who knows who got in.

ANYWAY. With no table, the convention is of no interest to me. Sure, I love seeing friends there, but I see the same friends at every gaming meet...and those I don't see at gaming meets, I see because they want me to draw them things, or we wanna do homework together, or whatever. A lot of my friends are fellow artists =p

Spot will still be running the gaming room, obviously. And I MAY end up hanging out and running a few games, but in all honesty I'm looking at other things to do on Halloween weekend...ranging from Sleepy Hollow's haunted activities to Salem's psychic faire (seriously) to, depending on money, taking a plane trip somewhere for a solo weekend abroad.

I dunno. It bugs me that the con that is literally less than ten minutes from me turned me (and a lot of my friends) down for tables, but I guess it proves they aren't biased? When you're the wife of a staff member and you can't get a table...

Sigh.

Anyone doing anything Halloween weekend and want to hang out? My husband will be busy, and unless I help him out in the gaming room I'll be on my own that weekend.
tabbiewolf: (Anywhen)
Y'all know me. I go to conventions pretty regularly (though not as regularly as some of my friends), and I almost always go as a dealer. I am also highly critical of how conventions are run, because it only takes one bad experience to make me analyze why the experience was bad (this is what lead to the attendee:dealer ratio thing I do) and to stop going to that convention.

This past weekend, we went to (Re)Generation Who. It was the con's first year, we knew a lot of the staff, and both me and [livejournal.com profile] spotweld are fans of Doctor Who. Since it's not a furry con, I focused mostly on my buttons, as well as bumper stickers (which are a new addition to my convention lineup) and a new cocktail book based on Doctor Who (I'll hopefully be posting a PDF of that book to my Patreon later today, for $10+ patrons). And since it was a small con, and its first year, I was not expecting to make a massive amount of profit.

Straight to the point: I didn't. I covered my table costs, and my part of the room (not Spot's), but in the end my total profit (allowing for the cost of table & room) was around $26.

And yet, I still want to go next year.

So what was the difference?

In all honesty, the entire experience. This was one of, if not the most professional conventions I have ever been to, especially for a first year. It was also a rather intimate experience because it was such a small convention, meaning you were basically walking down the hallway or sharing a dining room with Colin Baker or Terry Molloy (or both at once). My booth was along the back of the dealers room, diagonal to the guests of honor, meaning my weekend was filled with squee moments of listening to Sylvester McCoy talk like Radagast, or hearing/watching him and Terry Molloy play a ukulele/spoons ditty with Cat Smith. You can totally see my banner in the background of that video, so you can see right where I was sitting.

I'm a little starstruck, yes. But it's nerdy starstruck, so hopefully that's normal?

The weekend was also a lot less stressful. Usually I have an emotional crash mid-convention and get really snappy and irritable, but that didn't happen at ALL (I was definitely a bit snappy on the drive down; I think I was nervous about setup). I don't know if it was because I wasn't doing a lot of art (I did a trade with a fellow vendor, and a single badge, and worked a bit on Falconeio's sketchbook -- there were plenty of furries at the con [they kept trying to get me to Fur The More] but it wasn't an art-focused convention), or that we were going out for all the local booze & good food (CRAB AND OLD BAY SEASONING ON EVERYTHING, I'm home!) or it was simply the atmosphere of the convention.

Anyway. I came away from the con, despite the lack of profits, feeling just happy with the world. Maybe I'm hypomanic right now (I'm gonna be getting my brain pills later today and starting that whole deal), but...it was just a completely different experience than every furry con I've been to. So much less drama, no room parties causing too much noise (that we could hear, anyway), and it just seems like the Doctor Who fandom is a lot...quieter isn't the right word, but it's the first to come to mind, than the furry fandom.

Also notable: the gender split was pretty much right down the middle and the age of fans ranged from toddler to senior citizen. The latter probably has to do with the fact that the show has been around for 50+ years -- a lot of old school sci-fi fans were met this weekend -- but the former is interesting to me. I have to wonder: why does the furry fandom lean so heavily male? I used to think that was just fandoms in general (and unfortunately things like the video game explosion [not gonna name it, don't want my journal to get bombed by those people] and all that crap are making the male constituency of fans even more obvious), but that's just not right.

After the con we visited DuClaw for the best beer ever, and then on the drive back home on Monday (after, yes, running into various guests of honor in the lobby because that's just how cons like this go and we were all checking out at the same time...I maintain that Sylvester McCoy is adorable [I want to put him in my pocket] and Terry Molloy is just a delightful human being in general, and Patricia Quinn has amazing outfits, and Sophie Aldred is a joy, and I can't name everyone here but they are all just amazing, wonderful people) we hit Boordy Vineyards, home of my favorite wine of all time. We somehow fit everything in the car, even amongst all my con crap, and we listened to Terry Pratchett's Soul Music on the drive home.

I also want to get everyone to road trip down to Maryland this summer. This is a thing that should happen. Or I can just get some Maryland blue crabs and we can do a cookout in the backyard. Hmmm...
tabbiewolf: (broken heart)
Official Diagnosis: somewhere between Bipolar Type II and cyclothymia, which is more or less Chronic Bipolar Lite: a mild version of bipolar disorder that lasts for years.

Official Treatment: Doctor has to do some more research on whether the treatment is worse than the corresponding highs & lows (my thoughts: could be mixed, considering some of the side effects of the drugs), but I'll be going back to see him in two weeks and we'll discuss my options.

But hooray, I'm diagnosed! And hooray, it wasn't me being a hypochondriac!

In the meantime, I have scheduled a long-overdue appointment at the eye doctor's for today, and I am hoping to try out contacts. The idea of sticking things in my eyes still freaks me out a bit, but I like the idea of a long-term contact lens that lets me see my husband naked in full detail without needing glasses (it is difficult to nuzzle with glasses -- keep in mind I love my glasses and I LIKE looking like a nerd because I am one, but there's a convenience factor I'm intrigued by). And lord knows I deal with shots fine, you'd figure jamming things into my eyes wouldn't be that big a deal.

Onward, to dilation!
tabbiewolf: (dragony)
I was hoping that our trip to California in January would have delayed or gotten rid of the terrible seasonal depression that had me in tears last year, but no, that didn't happen. This year is just as bad, and I'm genuinely considering applying to some jobs and/or colleges in Florida or California just so I can relocate to somewhere that doesn't have a winter.

Moving seems to be my solution to everything, though in all honesty we moved so often when I was a kid this shouldn't surprise anyone. I wasn't even a military kid and we were all over the goddamn country.

ANYWAY. As I contemplated either killing myself or getting in the car and driving south until I ran out of money, both of which seemed like pretty good options this afternoon, I called 6 different psychiatrists that were listed on our health plan as covered. Almost all used answering machines, which is maddening, and one used an answering service…which is basically a human answering machine.

Answering machines when you're dealing with depression (and I'd imagine anxiety and various other mental health issues that lead you to fear and/or hate social interaction) are maddening, but I left 6 different messages and got a call back within a half-hour. From the actual doctor. Which puzzled me because I don't think I've ever actually been called by a doctor before, but what the hell, I'm not going to argue.

I set the appointment for Monday, the soonest he had available. He seemed friendly over the phone, so here's hoping. Basically, at this point, I'm looking to experiment with drugs and fuck with all the bits in my brain that are causing whatever the hell this is, because I'm apparently pretty terrible at expressing myself with therapy (I either put on a "I'm fine" mask, which is dumb but I can't help it, or I completely break down sobbing; there's no middle ground. I speak from experience) and I've been taking vitamin D regularly so clearly that is not the root cause of the depression. Or I have a serious vitamin deficiency that over-the-counter vitamins can't solve, that's also a possibility, but I'll figure that out when I get my blood drawn later this month.

I feel better for making the appointment, but it's not like "Oh thank god I'm doing this" like the last time I visited a psychiatrist; I'm a lot more hesitant, and a lot more cynical. Probably because of the last psychiatrist/therapist thing, which was not beneficial to me at all. There's definitely an element of "Well, I'm trying again, I guess, but I fully expect this to fail."

And I still feel like I've been emotionally worn down to nothing, which is fun.
tabbiewolf: (keep going)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_II_disorder

Someone pointed this disorder out to me today. I've known I'm manic-depressive for years, even having it officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist (I think? Ideally I could get it written on like a certificate to prove to folks that my brain is genuinely fucked up), but this is the first time I've heard of "hypomania" and I'll be damned if it doesn't sound alarmingly familiar.

I'm going through a severe depressive period right now and it's got me feeling pretty blinking hopeless, if anyone's curious. I'm mostly annoyed because I know it's just my brain but I can't stop it. I need to find a psychiatrist whose visits don't cost an arm and a leg and maybe get some happy drugs.

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