tabbiewolf: (dragony)
[personal profile] tabbiewolf
I was hoping that our trip to California in January would have delayed or gotten rid of the terrible seasonal depression that had me in tears last year, but no, that didn't happen. This year is just as bad, and I'm genuinely considering applying to some jobs and/or colleges in Florida or California just so I can relocate to somewhere that doesn't have a winter.

Moving seems to be my solution to everything, though in all honesty we moved so often when I was a kid this shouldn't surprise anyone. I wasn't even a military kid and we were all over the goddamn country.

ANYWAY. As I contemplated either killing myself or getting in the car and driving south until I ran out of money, both of which seemed like pretty good options this afternoon, I called 6 different psychiatrists that were listed on our health plan as covered. Almost all used answering machines, which is maddening, and one used an answering service…which is basically a human answering machine.

Answering machines when you're dealing with depression (and I'd imagine anxiety and various other mental health issues that lead you to fear and/or hate social interaction) are maddening, but I left 6 different messages and got a call back within a half-hour. From the actual doctor. Which puzzled me because I don't think I've ever actually been called by a doctor before, but what the hell, I'm not going to argue.

I set the appointment for Monday, the soonest he had available. He seemed friendly over the phone, so here's hoping. Basically, at this point, I'm looking to experiment with drugs and fuck with all the bits in my brain that are causing whatever the hell this is, because I'm apparently pretty terrible at expressing myself with therapy (I either put on a "I'm fine" mask, which is dumb but I can't help it, or I completely break down sobbing; there's no middle ground. I speak from experience) and I've been taking vitamin D regularly so clearly that is not the root cause of the depression. Or I have a serious vitamin deficiency that over-the-counter vitamins can't solve, that's also a possibility, but I'll figure that out when I get my blood drawn later this month.

I feel better for making the appointment, but it's not like "Oh thank god I'm doing this" like the last time I visited a psychiatrist; I'm a lot more hesitant, and a lot more cynical. Probably because of the last psychiatrist/therapist thing, which was not beneficial to me at all. There's definitely an element of "Well, I'm trying again, I guess, but I fully expect this to fail."

And I still feel like I've been emotionally worn down to nothing, which is fun.

Date: 2015-03-06 01:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oldhans117.livejournal.com

Ouch, sorry to hear about this, the state of mental health in the U.S. is crap.

Hope you do start feeling better.

Date: 2015-03-06 01:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] onidemondog.livejournal.com
I wish you luck. How this country deals with mental health (or unhealth) is still way behind where it should be. My personal position is that I have to wait nearly 2 more months, myself, to see a psychiatrist who will only start me on another three ring circus of trying this, trying that, on and off, as I fill their pockets full of more money, because they're the keepers of the Rx books and we're the great unwashed who have these fake mood disorders that we pretend to have. Not like there's actually something physiologically off about our brains, and not as if that in and of itself was something worth the same concern and treatment as cancer. /sarcasm

Yes, I feel for you. I hope you get a good person on Monday.

Date: 2015-03-06 03:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sabotlours.livejournal.com
The best I can do is send e-hugs your way and to let you know that people out there care about you. I hope you get the help you need and please never ever go for that "killing yourself" option.

New Mexico is a nice place! We get winter but we also gets tons of sunshine!

Date: 2015-03-07 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tabbiewolf.livejournal.com
I'm PRETTY sure I will never actually kill myself, but it's kind of depressing to think it and go "Yeah, that's a thing I could do." Which is about the time I decided to call the psychiatrist and maybe think about drugs to get those kind of thoughts to stop.

And I've heard New Mexico is lovely! I want to try those chiles you've blogged about that are specific to the area. I'll have to get out there someday :)

Date: 2015-03-06 10:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tefindeno.livejournal.com
Damn.

Well, once we get this house put back together, you are totally welcome to be a Snow Bird and have a place to stay here. You can walk to the park across the street and soak up some sun, or take the run out to the parks.

Date: 2015-03-07 01:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tabbiewolf.livejournal.com
Thanks for the offer! I might take you up on it. We'll see what drugs the doc puts me on next week.

Also, both you and SD are welcome to come up here when you want to get away from the Florida heat & humidity! We have both a spare bedroom and a really comfy queen-size fold out couch.

Date: 2015-03-10 04:41 pm (UTC)
ext_185737: (Rex - Cool dude...)
From: [identity profile] corelog.livejournal.com
*lots of hugs*

If you ever DID decide to move, I'll point out that the Pacific Northwest has barely any "winter" to speak of. Oh, it gets to around freezing for a little while, and it gets grey and wet, but it's not as extreme as it is out east.

Of course, that doesn't really help if what you need is sun and warmth year-round. :/

Date: 2015-03-10 05:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tabbiewolf.livejournal.com
ONE DAY I will get to the Pacific Northwest. ONE DAY.

Actually there's a heavy amount of aerospace there, which means if [livejournal.com profile] spotweld ever decides he wants to work somewhere else, it's one of the options we have.

I don't think the grey & rainy (which USED to be my favorite kind of day; I've gotten old and have somehow turned into a plant) would be too significantly great for my moods though. But really right now, it's the cold and the snow. There's SO MUCH SNOW, my god. One day we won't have 3 feet of snow in our backyard.

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