tabbiewolf: (dragony)
[personal profile] tabbiewolf
I was hoping that our trip to California in January would have delayed or gotten rid of the terrible seasonal depression that had me in tears last year, but no, that didn't happen. This year is just as bad, and I'm genuinely considering applying to some jobs and/or colleges in Florida or California just so I can relocate to somewhere that doesn't have a winter.

Moving seems to be my solution to everything, though in all honesty we moved so often when I was a kid this shouldn't surprise anyone. I wasn't even a military kid and we were all over the goddamn country.

ANYWAY. As I contemplated either killing myself or getting in the car and driving south until I ran out of money, both of which seemed like pretty good options this afternoon, I called 6 different psychiatrists that were listed on our health plan as covered. Almost all used answering machines, which is maddening, and one used an answering service…which is basically a human answering machine.

Answering machines when you're dealing with depression (and I'd imagine anxiety and various other mental health issues that lead you to fear and/or hate social interaction) are maddening, but I left 6 different messages and got a call back within a half-hour. From the actual doctor. Which puzzled me because I don't think I've ever actually been called by a doctor before, but what the hell, I'm not going to argue.

I set the appointment for Monday, the soonest he had available. He seemed friendly over the phone, so here's hoping. Basically, at this point, I'm looking to experiment with drugs and fuck with all the bits in my brain that are causing whatever the hell this is, because I'm apparently pretty terrible at expressing myself with therapy (I either put on a "I'm fine" mask, which is dumb but I can't help it, or I completely break down sobbing; there's no middle ground. I speak from experience) and I've been taking vitamin D regularly so clearly that is not the root cause of the depression. Or I have a serious vitamin deficiency that over-the-counter vitamins can't solve, that's also a possibility, but I'll figure that out when I get my blood drawn later this month.

I feel better for making the appointment, but it's not like "Oh thank god I'm doing this" like the last time I visited a psychiatrist; I'm a lot more hesitant, and a lot more cynical. Probably because of the last psychiatrist/therapist thing, which was not beneficial to me at all. There's definitely an element of "Well, I'm trying again, I guess, but I fully expect this to fail."

And I still feel like I've been emotionally worn down to nothing, which is fun.
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