tabbiewolf: (broken heart)
Official Diagnosis: somewhere between Bipolar Type II and cyclothymia, which is more or less Chronic Bipolar Lite: a mild version of bipolar disorder that lasts for years.

Official Treatment: Doctor has to do some more research on whether the treatment is worse than the corresponding highs & lows (my thoughts: could be mixed, considering some of the side effects of the drugs), but I'll be going back to see him in two weeks and we'll discuss my options.

But hooray, I'm diagnosed! And hooray, it wasn't me being a hypochondriac!

In the meantime, I have scheduled a long-overdue appointment at the eye doctor's for today, and I am hoping to try out contacts. The idea of sticking things in my eyes still freaks me out a bit, but I like the idea of a long-term contact lens that lets me see my husband naked in full detail without needing glasses (it is difficult to nuzzle with glasses -- keep in mind I love my glasses and I LIKE looking like a nerd because I am one, but there's a convenience factor I'm intrigued by). And lord knows I deal with shots fine, you'd figure jamming things into my eyes wouldn't be that big a deal.

Onward, to dilation!
tabbiewolf: (dragony)
I was hoping that our trip to California in January would have delayed or gotten rid of the terrible seasonal depression that had me in tears last year, but no, that didn't happen. This year is just as bad, and I'm genuinely considering applying to some jobs and/or colleges in Florida or California just so I can relocate to somewhere that doesn't have a winter.

Moving seems to be my solution to everything, though in all honesty we moved so often when I was a kid this shouldn't surprise anyone. I wasn't even a military kid and we were all over the goddamn country.

ANYWAY. As I contemplated either killing myself or getting in the car and driving south until I ran out of money, both of which seemed like pretty good options this afternoon, I called 6 different psychiatrists that were listed on our health plan as covered. Almost all used answering machines, which is maddening, and one used an answering service…which is basically a human answering machine.

Answering machines when you're dealing with depression (and I'd imagine anxiety and various other mental health issues that lead you to fear and/or hate social interaction) are maddening, but I left 6 different messages and got a call back within a half-hour. From the actual doctor. Which puzzled me because I don't think I've ever actually been called by a doctor before, but what the hell, I'm not going to argue.

I set the appointment for Monday, the soonest he had available. He seemed friendly over the phone, so here's hoping. Basically, at this point, I'm looking to experiment with drugs and fuck with all the bits in my brain that are causing whatever the hell this is, because I'm apparently pretty terrible at expressing myself with therapy (I either put on a "I'm fine" mask, which is dumb but I can't help it, or I completely break down sobbing; there's no middle ground. I speak from experience) and I've been taking vitamin D regularly so clearly that is not the root cause of the depression. Or I have a serious vitamin deficiency that over-the-counter vitamins can't solve, that's also a possibility, but I'll figure that out when I get my blood drawn later this month.

I feel better for making the appointment, but it's not like "Oh thank god I'm doing this" like the last time I visited a psychiatrist; I'm a lot more hesitant, and a lot more cynical. Probably because of the last psychiatrist/therapist thing, which was not beneficial to me at all. There's definitely an element of "Well, I'm trying again, I guess, but I fully expect this to fail."

And I still feel like I've been emotionally worn down to nothing, which is fun.
tabbiewolf: (keep going)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_II_disorder

Someone pointed this disorder out to me today. I've known I'm manic-depressive for years, even having it officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist (I think? Ideally I could get it written on like a certificate to prove to folks that my brain is genuinely fucked up), but this is the first time I've heard of "hypomania" and I'll be damned if it doesn't sound alarmingly familiar.

I'm going through a severe depressive period right now and it's got me feeling pretty blinking hopeless, if anyone's curious. I'm mostly annoyed because I know it's just my brain but I can't stop it. I need to find a psychiatrist whose visits don't cost an arm and a leg and maybe get some happy drugs.
tabbiewolf: (Anywhen)
After my breakdown last week, it was decided that I need a vacation. Technically, I think both me AND [livejournal.com profile] spotweld need a vacation -- possibly he needs a vacation from his crazy wife, though he doesn't see it like that (thank non-specified deity) -- and we were actually chatting about the possibility of going to Florida for warmth and sun a month ago. We decided against it, due to cost of plane tickets and necessary time off, but the breakdown was just a sign that if we didn't do something soon I would combust into a ball of self-hatred. As seen in my last post, I actually kind of did already; we're just cleaning up the mess at this point.

So Spot took next week off and we're leaving on Saturday for a good ol' fashioned road trip. Current route is basically straight down I-95, with stops at DuClaw Brewing and South of the Border. Nothing else is really decided, though I've been poking through online blogs of road trips of the same route and getting ideas (mostly food-related). I'm trying not to overplan, which is difficult for me because I enjoy planning, but I also want this to be a relaxing road trip and planning every hour of it will turn it into a "How come we couldn't do this?" situation.

Hell, I'm not even really sure what our final destination will be, or if we even have one. Orlando, Cocoa Beach, Key West...somewhere warm & sunny, basically.

Spot suggested we bring some D20s for those "What do we do?" moments. This actually seems like a pretty fantastic idea. Leaving it up to the Universe!
tabbiewolf: (faye - glare)
So apparently my Vitamin D levels are 15. Which is better than last time I was tested, which had me at something like 9. You're supposed to be between 30 - 50, I think? So that could definitely be a source of the depression I've been dealing with.

I was thinking about it yesterday and trying to think if I felt better when I lived in Arizona -- a place of constant sunshine, where you get a tan without trying, hence a good source of Vitamin D. I think my mood swings were less pronounced, but then, I was also a teenager through a chunk of that time, so I dunno if I can judge that properly. Even now with my OTHER hormone level fluctuations, deity only knows what my body is doing.

So I'm going to be taking 50,000 IU pills -- the normal dosage is 1,000 IU, so this is Vitamin D TO THE EXTREME -- for 3 months and seeing if it improves things. From my own experience just taking multivitamins, etc., I suspect they will help a lot or possibly give me a decent placebo effect (though hopefully it won't be, because in 3 months I'm getting another blood draw to measure the results).

I hope they aren't like, horse pills, though.

Edit on Saturday evening: They are not, in fact, horse pills. They're the size of small jelly beans (Jelly Belly size), and they go down easy. They're also BRIGHT green. I assume the color is added. Took my first today, we'll see how immediate the change is. I'm pretty sensitive to this stuff so I hope it happens soon!

In other medical news, my A1C was apparently 6, so that's actually good news: it's where it's supposed to be.
tabbiewolf: (The Doctor - Wibbly Wobbly)
Doing taxes, utterly frustrated that my 3-ish months of employment seem to have fucked over our chances of a return. Apparently my job didn't withhold anything (which I SHOULD HAVE NOTICED on my pay stubs, but that job stressed me out so much I didn't care), and now I owe the feds.

Lesson learned: Real jobs suck and never get another one.

~*~

I follow a couple graphic design blogs and I'm constantly amazed at how much whitespace exists in "classy" graphic design. Sure, it looks great (or it looks empty, depending on your opinion of the use of white space), but it tells you nothing about the product.

It also is something that usually doesn't make it too far out of the designers' roughs, from my past experiences. Generally marketing, PR, and various other people above you will think it's great but need stuff added, and you've left all this room, so clearly you can add stuff!

After a few years of working in the business, it's usually pretty easy to tell what parts of magazines/ads/etc. were the designers, and what part were the marketing department. Usually it's at least 80% marketing department =p

~*~

My mind has gone back to running a million miles an hour again, which I suppose would be great except my creative drive is basically non-existent. I've got a ton of ideas I'd like to work on and absolutely no desire to do them at all.

One of the things I didn't notice until it was gone was that the depression — I'm assuming it was the depression — put a silencer on the million miles an hour brain. My train of thought was that ridiculous high-speed thing Elon Musk came up with, but depression toned it down to…I dunno, a couple of hobos walking along a train track. I honestly don't think I MINDED my mind being a bit more quiet; it lead to a lot less paranoia and worry, which is often where my brain goes.

Another thing the depression dampered (or maybe it's the weather?) is my cabin fever. It used to be impossible for me to go a few days without going out just to get out of the house…nowadays I'm perfectly comfortable staying home. This is actually a good thing, because even though I have my own car now, going out leads to money being spent, and I can't afford it these days.

~*~

I'm contemplating getting a crafting die cutter — basically a little machine that can slice paper to precise shapes. Originally I was considering a Silhouette Cameo, figuring it'd be good for cutting out the custom scrapbooks I've been working on as well as button sheets. And then I looked further into die cutters and discovered the Silver Bullet, which can do leather and wood and plastic AND can emboss & engrave and dammit, I wish I had more money to spend on this kind of stuff =p

I need to get off my butt and finish some commissions so I can have "Help Tabbie pay her taxes" and "Help Tabbie buy a die cutter" commission drives.

I also should get working on art for the card game that me and [livejournal.com profile] fenris_lorsrai are doing, and other art projects. My art drive needs to come back, but I realize fully the only way of luring it here is to actually start using it.

The catch-22 of creativity; if you don't use it, it ain't there.

Car Update

Jan. 25th, 2014 10:50 pm
tabbiewolf: (tabbie - volvo)
We got the Volvo back yesterday. It was the alternator...and the dealer replaced it free of charge, covering the cost of both the part and the labor, because they realized that the amount of problems the car had was driving me to consider serious complaints about them and the company itself.

(I assume, anyway, maybe I'm being presumptive.)

I'm still annoyed, and I'd still like to complain more, but they did the right thing: they stood by the car, and they fixed it after it continued to fuck up. So long as nothing else goes wrong anytime soon, I will keep a reasonable degree of annoyance but also respect for them doing the proper thing.

If anything else happens, though...they'll be hell to pay. I'm still contemplating going in on Monday and complaining about getting sold a faulty mess, but I figure I might as well complain at the wall because the problem is fixed; it'll have the same effect.

And yeah, I'm still depressed; that's not something that'll change with the days. Today Grimm brought over cookies because he is awesome and we played Machine of Death and Smallworld and watched My Little Pony, and now I'm drinking mead, and it'd been an okay day.

One day at a time. I'll be seeing the psychiatrist on Friday, and they will give me happy drugs.

(Going to ask about medical marijuana, because why the hell not.)

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