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tabbiewolfI think I'm tired of being an artist.
Usually, rejection inspires you to work harder. To accomplish the things those rejections tell you that you can't do, that you're not good enough for.
But I've spent 15+ years — half my life — basically throwing stuff at a wall and hoping it sticks. And all I've ended up with is a rather sticky wall with a pile of bad ideas rotting away on the floor underneath it.
I'm so tired of "Oh, you're an ARTIST?" said in the most unflattering way possible. The way that makes it sound like you're just fiddling with a hobby instead of a passion…because SO MANY PEOPLE doodle in the sidelines of their notebooks and call themselves artists. SO MANY PEOPLE go to art school because of this. It's why Art Institutes make so much money.
I'm so tired of "Oh, sure, but we have a professional." Because apparently teaching yourself, spending your entire life drawing, doesn't count as professional.
I'm so tired of "That's great, but we're going with someone else." It hurts worse when it's FREE, when you're GIVING YOUR WORK AWAY, and you still get rejected.
I've spent fifteen-some years posting my art online. That's half my life. I've bared my soul for anyone to see — this art is ME, this is the deepest possible expression of my existence, even the silly little doodles, the experiments with character designs, the porn. All of it. My art is me naked, even moreso than me actually standing naked in front of you.
And I am so, so tired. I'm tired of baring my soul and having it not be noticed, or baring my soul and having it noticed and shrugged off. I'm tired of having spent countless hours of my life drawing this stuff and getting nothing back.
I shouldn't say nothing. I've made the best friends of my life because of my art. I met my HUSBAND through my art. And yet, it still feels like I'm just chasing my own tail. I can't seem to hit the proper notes that get me noticed, and the joy I used to feel drawing — both for myself and others (oh, how I loved drawing for others, it's a magic that I'm very fortunate to have experienced, to bring that kind of happiness with my talent, both for myself and those I drew for) - is gone.
I've stopped feeling the joy. It's a struggle, anymore, just to build up the motivation to pick up a pencil.
I never thought I'd grow out of being an artist but I'm just so, so tired.
~*~
If you're waiting on a commission from me, especially if you've already paid me (which I think is one person; others haven't paid yet but their commissions are part of a series that needs finishing), you will get your art.
If you like my art, I recommend saving copies to your hard drive — I've already wiped my VCL archive, and will be hitting FurAffinity sometime soon. I am NOT leaving the fandom, but frankly I'm sick of giving my art away.
I don't know how long this will last. Maybe the desire to draw will come back at some point. Or maybe I grew out of being an artist, I don't know. The thought makes me cry so I hope not.
~*~
Currently contemplating a road trip to somewhere warm and sunny because I think the cold weather is literally killing my creative drive, or possibly just kicking a dead horse — I really can't tell. Can you write off road trips as a business expense if you think your business will die without them?
Usually, rejection inspires you to work harder. To accomplish the things those rejections tell you that you can't do, that you're not good enough for.
But I've spent 15+ years — half my life — basically throwing stuff at a wall and hoping it sticks. And all I've ended up with is a rather sticky wall with a pile of bad ideas rotting away on the floor underneath it.
I'm so tired of "Oh, you're an ARTIST?" said in the most unflattering way possible. The way that makes it sound like you're just fiddling with a hobby instead of a passion…because SO MANY PEOPLE doodle in the sidelines of their notebooks and call themselves artists. SO MANY PEOPLE go to art school because of this. It's why Art Institutes make so much money.
I'm so tired of "Oh, sure, but we have a professional." Because apparently teaching yourself, spending your entire life drawing, doesn't count as professional.
I'm so tired of "That's great, but we're going with someone else." It hurts worse when it's FREE, when you're GIVING YOUR WORK AWAY, and you still get rejected.
I've spent fifteen-some years posting my art online. That's half my life. I've bared my soul for anyone to see — this art is ME, this is the deepest possible expression of my existence, even the silly little doodles, the experiments with character designs, the porn. All of it. My art is me naked, even moreso than me actually standing naked in front of you.
And I am so, so tired. I'm tired of baring my soul and having it not be noticed, or baring my soul and having it noticed and shrugged off. I'm tired of having spent countless hours of my life drawing this stuff and getting nothing back.
I shouldn't say nothing. I've made the best friends of my life because of my art. I met my HUSBAND through my art. And yet, it still feels like I'm just chasing my own tail. I can't seem to hit the proper notes that get me noticed, and the joy I used to feel drawing — both for myself and others (oh, how I loved drawing for others, it's a magic that I'm very fortunate to have experienced, to bring that kind of happiness with my talent, both for myself and those I drew for) - is gone.
I've stopped feeling the joy. It's a struggle, anymore, just to build up the motivation to pick up a pencil.
I never thought I'd grow out of being an artist but I'm just so, so tired.
If you're waiting on a commission from me, especially if you've already paid me (which I think is one person; others haven't paid yet but their commissions are part of a series that needs finishing), you will get your art.
If you like my art, I recommend saving copies to your hard drive — I've already wiped my VCL archive, and will be hitting FurAffinity sometime soon. I am NOT leaving the fandom, but frankly I'm sick of giving my art away.
I don't know how long this will last. Maybe the desire to draw will come back at some point. Or maybe I grew out of being an artist, I don't know. The thought makes me cry so I hope not.
Currently contemplating a road trip to somewhere warm and sunny because I think the cold weather is literally killing my creative drive, or possibly just kicking a dead horse — I really can't tell. Can you write off road trips as a business expense if you think your business will die without them?
