Giving Up, Reassessing, Reanalyzing [Stress Post]

[tabbiewolf]

I think I'm tired of being an artist.

Usually, rejection inspires you to work harder. To accomplish the things those rejections tell you that you can't do, that you're not good enough for.

But I've spent 15+ years — half my life — basically throwing stuff at a wall and hoping it sticks. And all I've ended up with is a rather sticky wall with a pile of bad ideas rotting away on the floor underneath it.

I'm so tired of "Oh, you're an ARTIST?" said in the most unflattering way possible. The way that makes it sound like you're just fiddling with a hobby instead of a passion…because SO MANY PEOPLE doodle in the sidelines of their notebooks and call themselves artists. SO MANY PEOPLE go to art school because of this. It's why Art Institutes make so much money.

I'm so tired of "Oh, sure, but we have a professional." Because apparently teaching yourself, spending your entire life drawing, doesn't count as professional.

I'm so tired of "That's great, but we're going with someone else." It hurts worse when it's FREE, when you're GIVING YOUR WORK AWAY, and you still get rejected.

I've spent fifteen-some years posting my art online. That's half my life. I've bared my soul for anyone to see — this art is ME, this is the deepest possible expression of my existence, even the silly little doodles, the experiments with character designs, the porn. All of it. My art is me naked, even moreso than me actually standing naked in front of you.

And I am so, so tired. I'm tired of baring my soul and having it not be noticed, or baring my soul and having it noticed and shrugged off. I'm tired of having spent countless hours of my life drawing this stuff and getting nothing back.

I shouldn't say nothing. I've made the best friends of my life because of my art. I met my HUSBAND through my art. And yet, it still feels like I'm just chasing my own tail. I can't seem to hit the proper notes that get me noticed, and the joy I used to feel drawing — both for myself and others (oh, how I loved drawing for others, it's a magic that I'm very fortunate to have experienced, to bring that kind of happiness with my talent, both for myself and those I drew for) - is gone.

I've stopped feeling the joy. It's a struggle, anymore, just to build up the motivation to pick up a pencil.

I never thought I'd grow out of being an artist but I'm just so, so tired.

~*~
If you're waiting on a commission from me, especially if you've already paid me (which I think is one person; others haven't paid yet but their commissions are part of a series that needs finishing), you will get your art.

If you like my art, I recommend saving copies to your hard drive — I've already wiped my VCL archive, and will be hitting FurAffinity sometime soon. I am NOT leaving the fandom, but frankly I'm sick of giving my art away.

I don't know how long this will last. Maybe the desire to draw will come back at some point. Or maybe I grew out of being an artist, I don't know. The thought makes me cry so I hope not.

~*~
Currently contemplating a road trip to somewhere warm and sunny because I think the cold weather is literally killing my creative drive, or possibly just kicking a dead horse — I really can't tell. Can you write off road trips as a business expense if you think your business will die without them?

Comments

[oldhans117.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear that your feeling down, this unending winter may very well be a factor. I hope you get your mojo back.

[thecartoongod.livejournal.com]

Writing things off as a business expense all depends on how you swing it. If you're working on a project, or plan to, that has a setting somewhere tropical you can call it "research" but that might be stretching it a tad. Of course, a "business expense" still means you have to pay for it. :P

As someone that's admired a lot of your work since we've met - and not just the Kyle and Josh part though that's certainly a biased favorite - it would be sad to see you leave what you love, but as a fellow creative I hit that wall a lot. You know me and you've worked with me, my drive is fueled by results and returns and when you don't get that, or get the opposite of that, it just steadily chips away at your resolve.

I do think the weather and your current state of mind are playing a factor but I think it might be a good idea, if you can do so, to draw things for yourself. Don't post them anywhere, don't take commissions, just doodle for yourself with no one to critique it but you.

You know I'm online all the damn time if you ever wanna hit me up. :)

[tefindeno.livejournal.com]

This makes me very sad to read. You were the very first (and still are) artist whose art I could pick out. When your banner art was up, or you had an ad or I was just browsing I loved seeing your art. The pieces I've received all still make me very happy every time I look at them.
I don't think forcing yourself to do work will help (but really, who am I to think this?) but I DO think that a break from it all and some sunshine can't hurt.
You guys are welcome down here with me anytime!
Who knows, maybe a change in scenery will help inspire you. :)

[was1.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're getting so much rejection Steff. I don't have any good answers. Maybe taking a break to step back and reevaluate can help or maybe you can find a new direction or medium you can be creative with.

[stokerbramwell.livejournal.com]

I wish I had more words of encouragement for you. I'm sorry it's come to this point. :/

It was actually through VCL that I first even became aware of you. Seems like a lifetime ago at this point.

I hope you can find joy in your work again some day.

[world-dancer.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're feeling burnt out.

The arts, any of the arts, are not easy. Many people want to do it, not everyone can make a living at it. I know many people who have artistic ambitions but haven't been able to make a living at it: A Stef who works as park ranger at last check and does nature art, our mutual friend Nora the sculptor who runs the book shop to cover expenses, my ex-roommate Roy who gave up trying to be a musician and is busy being a doctor now, my high school BFF Tracy who works as a music reporter and can get interviews with people like Katie Perry, but who works as assistant manager at Bed, Bath, and Beyond to pay the bills and still can't afford to get out of her parents' house.

The arts don't pay well. And not everyone will ever get what you're doing. It's not a career for people who want a lot of money or can't take the rejection because it's 90% rejection and barely any pay for the average practitioner.

So maybe the question is why do you want to be an artist? And if you're not an artist, what do you want to do?

[tabbiewolf.livejournal.com]

Originally, I wanted to be an artist because I had a story to tell and a way of telling it.

This can also be explained by making a masturbatory motion with your hands. Hooray art.

The thing is, I knew that getting into art was never going to be profitable, but at least it was fun. The problem for me is that the fun has faded, and I don't even feel like telling my stories anymore. I tried too hard, I got too close to the sun, SOMETHING knocked the wind out of me, and now it feels a lot more pointless than it used to. I honestly do not know why.

As for what I want to do, I've been puzzling over it since the question hit me yesterday (I asked it of myself mid-day, during the whole "Oh shit, art's not any fun anymore, now what" phase). I am honestly not sure. I'm not quite sure where to go from here.

[petercat.livejournal.com]

You're right, you *shouldn't* say you got nothing back -- you got friends and a husband, and maybe you couldn't have done as well doing anything else.

I'd say, take a break, figure out what else is fun. Maybe after a while of not *having* to do art, you'll *want* to do art again. Or maybe not; people grow and change, it's all life, it's all good, although not without some sadness; "without a hurt the heart is hollow."

[world-dancer.livejournal.com]

Do you feel that you effectively communicated what you have to say?

Do you feel that you're still on message about what you have to say?

Do you feel you were selling out?

Do you feel there were too many demands on you artistically?

I'm just asking questions hoping it will help you pinpoint what you want or what's not working.

[firesplace.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a serious case of burnout...I hope you get all the time off you need, somewhere nice and warm!